Small Talk: 13 Things To Keep In Mind

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Whether you are in a business environment, a casual setting, travelling or attending a business dinner or conference, at some stage you will need to hold a conversation and engage in small talk.

13 things to keep in mind, when you do (some tips):

1. Relax: It is supposed to be fun, so don’t force it. Simply enjoy learning to get to know someone new. Avoid being stiff in the way you move or speak, as it will show your discomfort and they will not be able to relax either. Instead, start with something easy and curious. Be willing to learn something from each new person you speak to by listening to them, rather than only ever doing all the talking yourself. Go with the flow and let the conversation go where it will naturally, rather than trying to force it in a direction you prefer.
2. Respect their signals: If they keep looking away desperately, as though looking for help from someone to be able to get away from you…respect that. You don’t want them to have to resort to being rude to you, to get rid of you because you were either not picking up on their signals or you were too nervous to leave them and approach someone else. Besides, the best conversation will leave everyone wanting more of you and not less. So don’t ever overstay your welcome and simply, yet politely excuse yourself and move on to the next person by saying, ‘It was great to meet you and I hope to see you again at another event.’
3. Make eye contact: There is nothing worse than having someone speak to you and they are not interested enough to even look you in the eye. It is incredibly rude and off-putting, so be sure to make regular eye contact. Now, I’m not saying that you need to stare at them fixedly, as that would just be creepy but you need to look at them sufficiently for them to know that you are actually interested in them and in what they have to say. In addition, be aware that there may also be a cultural aspect to this, where in some cultures (Japan, Africa, Latin America and the Caribbean) avoiding eye contact is actually a sign of respect. That being said, in the west, if you don’t do it most people will see you as being rude and shifty (suspiciously odd), so use it where engaging in that part of the world.
4. Don’t dominate the conversation : Not everyone is super chatty and willing to just go for it, particularly in group situations, so try to get everyone to come out of their shells, by including them in the conversation wherever possible, by asking simple questions, such as, ‘What do you think?’. It makes for a safe space where everyone feels free to communicate openly. Remember, it is not so much about you shining and it is more about you being an inclusive leader of the discussion by treating everyone with respect, openness and genuine interest in what they have to say and contribute. Even if you are very confident and think that you are the most interesting thing to come along since the invention of sliced bread…restrain yourself and let others speak too. Small talk is not all about you, no matter how fascinating you may be.
5. Don’t dominate others personal space: Maintain an appropriate distance and avoid stepping into their personal space too much. You can gauge when you are too close by the way they will start to get uncomfortable, shift from foot to foot and eventually move back and away from you, in an attempt to put more distance between you. Remember, personal space is also often driven by the environment in which they live, such as in large cities where there simply isn’t the luxury of personal space. Some cultures don’t see the need for or the importance of personal space and these are often from cultures where many people live close together in small spaces or where extended families live in the same home, such as in Africa, China, India, Jamaica, Pakistan, Korea and in some parts of Asia. There is also a religious aspect. That being said, in the west, were you will most likely need to speak English…personal space is important and should be considered. There are also individual differences within the same culture where some people simply do not like being touched. Similarly not every western culture has the same idea of personal space, as Americans like more space than Europeans, so it is not always a hard and fast rule. Learn to be alert to others body language and other signals, if you cannot immediately tell what their preference may be.
6. Avoid controversial topics: Don’t speak about religion, race, gender, politics, wars or anything else, about which they may have a strong opinion. Definitely don’t ask them about anything sensitive, such as anything sexual in nature or anything about their weight, looks, height, etc. Don’t ask anything too personal or private, as that will offend most people.
7. Be positive and nice: If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Don’t ever attack another persons character, no matter how strongly you may disagree with them and what they just said. Instead politely say, ‘I have a different view on that, unfortunately I cannot get into that right now, as I see that I’m needed over there. My apologies.’ or, ‘I see someone I simply must speak to. Please would you excuse me?’ and then you simply walk away without causing a scene or unpleasantness.
8. Start from a position of trust and respect: Don’t start your conversation off by viewing the person with suspicion and with the aim of interrogating them. It is best to ask them questions to get their perspective on things, in a non-judgemental manner.
9. Don’t overshare and give too much information: Start the conversation from the position of trusting and respecting them but always remember to keep your deepest, darkest secrets for only your most trusted, oldest and most true friends. Don’t just blurt it all out to the first stranger you meet, as you don’t yet know their true intentions and motivations. In addition, they will probably not be interested in knowing your secrets anyway, at least not until they have gotten to know you a lot better. So, be considered and measured in what you share, and think it through before saying something simply to fill an uncomfortable silence.
10. Find common ground: Converse (share a conversation) to find out what you may have in common, seek mutual (shared) interests and then if you find them, build from there. Try to always make that shared thing something positive and don’t use it as an opportunity to blame, complain or to gossip about another person, company or situation, as nothing good ever comes from negativity.
11. Actively listen: Don’t listen just to respond, instead really take the time and put in the effort to really understand and hear them. It would be best to listen more than you speak. Never speak over the other person and always allow them plenty of time to finish speaking and answering any questions, without rushing into your next words. Use your voice and body language to show that you agree with what they are saying and that you are still listening, using head nods and small sounds like, ‘Uh huh’, ‘mmm’ and ‘yeah’.
12. Ask follow-up questions: If they say something, ask them to tell you more about it. For example, ‘That sounds fascinating. Do please tell me more about that …’ This shows that you are actively listening and that you are interested both in learning more and in what they are saying.
13. Be yourself: You don’t want to suddenly become someone you are not, as it will come across as being forced and fake. No one wants to get to know someone who is lying to them. Be honest and if you don’t know something, be willing to say so openly. You will be more respected for honesty, than for putting on a false front that most people will see through immediately anyway. It is also important to be truthful and to not exaggerate something simply to appear more interesting or to hold their attention.

To aid you further, the following video provides 110 small talk questions, you can use to start and to keep a conversation going.

Practice using these with a friend until you are confident, relaxed and ready to use them in a live situation.

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Posted by optimumbusines

Lyn has worked in various business areas of large, internationally-recognised, multinational telecommunication corporate organisations since 2004, gaining significant expertise in the business language of each. Her role regularly combined the functions of internal communications, training and change management on large projects and other strategic initiatives. She also has specific experience in: – Creating HR policies and procedures – Talent recruitment lead creation procedures – Process creation, optimisation and re-engineering in AP, sourcing and HR – Migrating and managing SOX and EWC compliance, and implementations – Global and regional Shared Service Centre management and implementations – Bid Management – EcoMetric assessment training and certification procedures – Internship creation and management – Full SAP, IFRS15, Concur and S4 Hana implementations QUALIFICATIONS She has a four-year Higher Diploma in Education from the University of Natal, in secondary (high school) second language teaching. She also has a Bachelor of Arts degree, from the University of South Africa (UNISA), majoring in Psychology. She is a certified EcoMetrist and has an Advanced 120 Hour TEFL certificate. Her combination of international business experience provides practical, professional know-how, combined with excellent qualifications, ensures an effective all-round, expert approach to training.

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